THAI ME UP

118 Mins.

Metro- 1997

DIR: Jace Rocker

STARS: Asia Carrera, Kimi Ji, Jessica James, Anna, Brooke Ashley, Gail, Gloria, Jonathan Morgan, Marc Wallice, John West, JJ, Tom Byron and Julian.

THEMES: Asian Women, Petite girls, Comedy.

OVERALL RATING: 8

REVIEW:

I have some fun making jokes at Jace Rocker’s expense from time to time for his often bad rip offs of great (and not so great) mainstream films. However, all that is in good fun, since deep down, I love the fact that he at least tries for a little humor in his scripts. (Yes, clones, I said scripts, so laugh your asses off. I’ll be mentioning plot a little later just for Adrian.) This one is particularly funny and I was laughing from the opening credits. You see, not only is there a story, but Rocker has intentionally overdubbed the movie to make it look like a low budget kung-fu movie.

As the movie begins, Asia Carrera is trying to see the mysterious Wing Fat. When she is turned away by his bodyguards, she elects to get his attention another way, by joining a stripper on stage for some torrid girl/girl lovin’. The brunette has no problem turning her set into a lap session. Of course, a chance at tasting Asia’s sweet treats is an opportunity even those idiots who regularly give her a hard time would kill to have. I know I’m dying to see if it tastes as good as it looks. (What do you say Asia, in the interest of journalism?) Asia is kind enough to return the favor, doing plenty of slit sucking and finger fucking on her new friend. There is enough heat in this scene even for us guys who aren’t big g/g fans.

This show gets Asia an audience with Wing and their scene is thoroughly hilarious. It sets up the rest of the story, which has Asia tracking down the sister of her deceased husband so that…….oh fuck, watch the movie will you, I don’t want to tell you everything. The dead husband may or may not have faked his death to collect the insurance and this has people hot on the trail. One of the people assigned to the case is private dick Jonathan Morgan. Morgan is pretty funny in anything he does, and in this well written script, he shines. He gets himself into some fast trouble and has to disguise himself as a dancer in the club to escape.

This gets him out of the line of fire, but sets him up in the path of sex crazed slut Kimi Ji who doesn’t care if he is in dress. She is just “so horny” for his “hot monkey” that she drops down and Lewinski’s him right there. Kimi is a very cock hungry girl, devouring Morgan, tip to balls with her highly skilled mouth. Too bad there isn’t more of this, because Kimi excels at wet blowjobs. Instead, she mounts and starts fucking him like mad with her shaved little cookie. Her squeaky voice makes the filth coming from her mouth sound a bit strange, but it’s still erotic in an odd way. Morgan decides to see just how loud she can scream and pops his stick right up her backdoor, adding a few “asses” to Kimi’s cry of “Fuck me harder.” In fact, the only time Kimi shuts up is when Jonathan splashes her tongue with seed and smears his load all over her face.

Hot on the trail, Morgan ends up on a film set, posing as a director on a war epic. He throws in some of his own touches, turning “Platoon” into “Splat-toon” when he has John West and JJ fuck Asia instead of killing her. (Thus preventing a criminal waste of an incredible fuck.) Mouths meet genitals in some very well shot oral sex of both varieties as Asia does her best to swallow sword while the guys take turn digging for quim clams. Anyone else think that watching Asia take a cock at both ends is just about as good as porn can possibly look? Of course, watching them fuck her silly, I am struck by the idea that I wish someone had knocked Ollie Stone out during “U-Turn” so that Nolte and Penn could have doubled up on Jennifer Lopez. The double facial frosting and the end would be something to stand up and cheer about were it not for the terribly mistimed strobe effect. Why fuck up a pretty face getting blasted?

With Asia now in tow, Morgan gets himself into a world of hurt. What ensures is a very funny martial arts scene that must be seen, period. On the other side of the fight, with Morgan and Asia safely tucked away, bad guy Marc Wallice relaxes with a pair of fun honeys. Brooke Ashley and a girl I have seen before billed as Maya, serve as entertainment. Brooke, as always a foul talking little fuck that makes me wish I had skipped college and gone right into porn acting so I could get paid to taste this super sweet piece of ass. Even though Brooke has one of the tightest little muffins ever created, Marc feels the need to fuck her in the ass. Fine by me since that just makes Brooke cry out louder, “Fuck my tight ass.” Ahh, music to my ears. With Maya there to lap it up, Marc lets fly a big load all over her chest. One request…more Brooke Ashley.

After another Kung Fu exhibition, Kimi elects to revive the fallen ninja warriors with a little head. In no time she has two of the ninjas up and ready to fuck her raw. Since one of these guys is Julian, you know she has quite a task at ahead of her. She can hardly get her lips around this fat cock but that doesn’t stop her from spreading her legs so that he can slam fuck that shaved little hole. She even takes that monster pole in her ass as part of a brief DP before letting her mug get double plastered.

The story takes a handful of odd twists and turns that will keep you laughing and may send you to the can for a little lunch recycling. Long story short, Asia and Morgan end up on a couch for a final fuck. (How is that for cutting to the chase? And they said brevity was not in my repertoire.) Good decision by Rocker to leave in nearly three minutes of Asia working her mouth on Morgan. There is nothing worse than cutting such a well shot and well delivered blowjob short. Asia sure looks like she’s having a great time with Morgan between her thighs. For his part, Jon doesn’t hurry through his ‘duty’, playing with her pussy and doing his best to make sure she goes home happy at the end of the day. When it comes to making Morgan happy, Asia need simply part her lower lips and let him experience a little slice of carnal Heaven. It’s a very short, but well shot fuck with Morgan blasting a wad onto her well trimmed bush.

To say I enjoyed this movie would be an understatement. The script is plenty fresh and the whole Kung-Fu take of thing is rather hilarious. Morgan is fantastic, very funny and does a fine job in his sex scenes. Asia Carrera is gorgeous as ever, hot in her sex scenes and carries her dialog quite well. Kimi Ji is quite the little slut, and while she takes a back seat in my book, many of you will love the way she takes cock in that tiny body of hers. Of course, any video with Brooke Ashley is guaranteed to smoke when she is on screen. Fun to watch, a good laugh and enough hot sex to make everyone happy. A must see for guys who love Asian women or for couples who like to laugh a little while getting turned on.