How Private’s Audio Team Has Prevented Me From Ejaculating To My Full Potential
By Rosston Meyer
Coming Soon: The Private Sound Effect CD! Every single noise you’ve heard in our movies for the past five years! Except the music! Complete with long moans, short moans, pants, whispers, grunts, groans, and even the occasional spank! Why must Private feel a need to dub over their nymphette’s sweet moans? Oh, the horror of knowing that the sexy moan washing over my apartment’s bare walls into my horny little ears is in no way, shape, or form the same girl who’s getting DP’ed in Tahiti on the screen.
When a Hungarian hottie is getting her morning workout and I’m stroking to the beat of her ass slapping itself together, I don’t want the experience ruined by an offbeat smack or an out of tune moan.
It simple really. When the girl is getting it and loving it, I can easily see the enjoyment on her face. She, like any somewhat normal mammal, makes some kind of erotic noise during coitus. So then why does Private always overdub their audio with an out of place recording of a girl moaning? Sure, it sounds good, but maybe it sounds just a little too good. Like when your girlfriend tells you to fuck her friend’s cute little ass.
Take the first Gladiator, for instance. I pop it in, and after all the GUBA crap, come to the main menu. French is sexy, I think, as I choose the language and await the consensual banging. But what I hear is not the actor’s real voices. Okay, so I try Spanish, skipping English because I know that option will definitely be dubbed. No, those aren’t real, live voices either. How about Italian? Nope. But wait! When I watch the very pointless yet very illustrious bonus disc, I see there’s a making of The Private Gladiator mini-movie. I watch it, and the main language of cast and crew seems to definitely be Italian or Spanish. (I’m pretty sure it’s Italian.) So what kind of language selection does not even include the actual voices of the people that are seen on the screen? It makes no sense, really. I’m sure they got their lines right. They’re actors. And adult ones at that. Who’s going to be immature on an adult movie set? (!) It’s just sad that the native tongue of the filmmakers has to be overdubbed in order for us to get aroused. And throughout the movie it sounds like the same moaning female and same grunting male voices are heard from start to finish. There’s no variety in the audio. If I was blind, I’d think the damn thing was skipping. I want to believe it’s actually her making noises, I really do. I want to, but I can’t because its so damn obvious that the girls I see fucking are not the same girl(s) I hear fucking. Why must my aural pleasures be censored?
The dubbing of ass slaps and orgy moaning is an unholy practice that is not only unnerving, but pointless. There are people hard at work making sure each time Petra’s ass is slapped it sounds like she’s getting beat with a bullwhip. It’s funny, whenever I slap a girl’s ass I notice the astounding difference between the meaty flesh of the butt cheek and the bony curvature of the hip. Who cares? I love Private’s movies, but knowing that something about them isn’t real really takes away from my fantasy. And that’s too bad because I love the sound of a girl getting a good ass-slapping fuckin’!
