Mike (Quasarman) Quasar Accepts Nominations for Best Video and Best Director
– Video for the 2003 AVN Awards
November 21, 2002 (Chatsworth, CA): Upon learning of his recent nominations
for both Best Video and Best Director – Video for his erotic drama Karma,
director Mike Quasar held a press conference to announce that, based on the
advice of his advisors and handlers, he has decided to accept these
nominations and will now actively campaign throughout the adult community
“I’ve toiled for the adult entertainment industry for over a decade, and
all it’s ever given me in return is a drinking problem and an unhealthy
attraction to vegetation and shrubbery,” Quasar stated. “I want a trophy,
dammit, and I am both physically and mentally prepared for the lengthy and
arduous campaign ahead of me”.
Quasar has prepared a five-point platform intended to sway both the public
and AVN voters to his corner. The platform reads as follows:
1. Mike Quasar believes that quality pornography is the right of every
2. Mike Quasar also believes that quality pornography should be well
lit, well shot and well edited… or at the very least, the people listed on
the box cover should actually appear in the movie.
3. Mike Quasar believes that quality pornography entails avoiding the
casting of desperate and disfigured food stamp redeemers whose chief goal in
fornicating with strangers on video is to raise enough money to purchase
untainted breast milk and drug-free urine.
4. Mike Quasar believes in minimizing the impact of insulting story
lines written by hack writers with giant egos by minimizing the storylines
themselves to their most basic function: to give people an excuse to have
sex on video for money. (In most cases, the “hack writer” that Quasar refers
to is Quasar himself.)
5. Mike Quasar promises that he will never distract the home viewer
from his or her masturbatory activity by inserting car chases, gunplay or
complicated plot development into any of his movies.
Quasar’s movie Karma fulfils and exceeds and every point on this platform.
Quasar plans on taking his message to the streets in the coming weeks with
many campaign stops planned throughout the San Fernando Valley, including
both the Lamplighter restaurant in Canoga Park and Brent’s Deli in
“The bottom line is that Michael Raven has run out of shelf space for all of
his AVN awards. If he picks up even one trophy in 2003, he’ll have no place
to put it,” says Quasar. “I, on the other hand, have a mantle above my
fireplace completely absent of anything except dust and broken dreams.
“I am determined to be AVN’s Best Director for a Video in 2003, and if not
Best Director, certainly I’d be happy with Best Video… and if not that,
Best Screenplay for sure. Or perhaps Best Videography. Truth be told, you
could make up a new category – ‘Most Pathetic Attempt at Exploiting the
Sympathies of AVN Voters’ – and I’d be happy with that. Gimme a f#@kin’
trophy for something – anything! I’ll mop up after the f@#ckin’ show! How
about an award for that?”
At this point Quasar had to be forcefully removed from the podium when it
became clear that he was embarrassing himself. An assistant abruptly called
an end to the press conference.
To follow Mike Quasar on his campaign trail, log on to
http://votequasar.blogspot.com. And don’t forget: vote Mike Quasar for Best
Director – Video in 2003!