Texas Asshole Massacre


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Texas’ Asshole Massacre


138 Mins.

Evolution Erotica



THEMES: Porn Chicks, Sluts, Comedy




STARS: Kami Andrews (Salome), Gia Paloma, Kat, Isabel, Kelly, Kris, Sascha, Alias, Dirty Harry



This is only the second movie I have seen from Ivan and yet I’m already looking forward to it. Few directors in porn these days are willing to put movies together like he does. He shoots features and that requires a lot of work. He also shoots movies for a company that won’t settle for the watered-down cable friendly sex that usual infects feature projects. One of the things I always loved about Extreme movies was the fact that they could shoot features and still give us sex scenes that could have been taken from a gonzo flick. With some of the girls on hand in this movie I would expect the same sort of action. Kami Andrews and Gia Paloma are two of the top high-energy fucks in the business. Isabel Ice never met a cock she didn’t love and Kat is too cute for words. If Ivan can harness their sexual energy and still shoot a good feature then he’ll be giving us something rare indeed.

Kami opens the movie with her infomercial. It’s a long monologue about her talent agency that guarantees to turn an ordinary girl into a starlet. I know that Kami is known for her sex scenes, but she is really good in this scene. If she keeps it up at this pace then this performance needs to be looked at closely at award time. The dialog is funny and Kami delivers it perfectly.

Two would be starlets, Kat and Gia Paloma, are being driven to the agency. Gia is trying to take her career to the next level while Kat really wants to direct features. When they arrive, Gia stays in the van with the driver while Kat explores the house. She finds Kris Slater upstairs and he is happy to take the aspiring young director under his wing. He tells her that she still has to earn her stripes by sucking dick so Kat shows off her oral skills. Though the blowjob is too short, it is long enough for us to see Kat does best. In no time at all this super cutie has her butt in the air and is happily taking it between her little cheeks. The dangerously cute girl gets on top and works her ass down around his cock in a way that most feature scenes would never show. Anyone who likes this petite slutlet will thoroughly enjoy watching her in RCA as she bounces on his dick and dismounts in time to let him shoot all over her braces and tongue.

Kami catches Gia blowing the driver and drags her into the house. Apparently this sort of thing is frowned upon at HOS. (But smiled upon in Rog World.) Elsewhere Dirty Harry is a very disturbed vet who catches Isabel Ice eating his chili. He is a bit over the top, but finds a way to punish her that doesn’t include a bullet through the brain. He dips the tip of his big cock in some chili and forces it into her mouth. There is some serious gagging here and his screaming kind of wipes away any normal sexual heat that might be here. On the other hand if you’ve always wanted to watch a crazy vet scream crazy (and somewhat racist) shit at a girl while he fucks her, then you may very well have found the perfect scene. As usual Isabel handles the scene with ease. His dick is pretty big, but she manages to bounce on his prick with her ass and still manage to deliver the dialog without any trouble. Let’s see Nicole Kidman try that. If you kind of block out some of the crazy stuff, this is just a really hot anal scene from a girl who knows how to take it and make us all believe she loves every inch. After pounding her in piledriver and giving her plenty of A2M, Harry finally leaves his jizz in her mouth and is done with her.

Kami is pretty upset with her driver and delivers quite a rant as he sits in the corner tied up. Eventually she decides to stop cooking chili and get herself off instead. The little dildo she finds doesn’t do the job so she gets down and starts sucking his dick. Without using her hands she easily swallows every inch. She pays special attention to his balls, but it almost seems like he doesn’t have enough dick to even offer a challenge. Bending over, Kami lets him ram her ass for a while before turning around to taste it. Somehow the power shifted and he’s the one doing the trash talking now. He tries to push her limits, but she makes it look easy, riding his dick and then taking on her back for a while. Kami keeps smiling and wanting more even as he gives her everything he’s got in a long piledriver. You aren’t going to see an anal scene like this in most features. It’s too fucking good. They finish off with a shot in the chili and Kami eating it up with a spoon.

Kelly Wells is a bit too curious for her own good. She goes snooping around and finds out more than she should know about the agency. In her shock she knocks over a camera and that upsets Sascha. In order to cover her tracks, she distracts him with a loud blowjob. (Sorry, but major minus points for the lame duck quack bj style here.) Kelly ends the sucking by bending over and getting fucked in the ass. She looks pretty cute this way and is certainly loud enough. The footage is well captured and includes some really hot RCA. I’m more turned on Kelly than most of the other girls in this movie, but her scene just isn’t quite as hot as what we’ve seen from Isabel and Kami. There is definitely something to be said for genuine sexual heat in an anal slut. Not that Kelly isn’t a total butt whore because she certainly is. By the time she has given us gapes. A2M and a big cum-gaggling swallow finish I am almost ready to take what I just said back and put her on Kami’s slut-level…almost.

That leaves Gia to be taught her lessons. Kami instructs her in the art of stardom. Oddly enough the way to escape being an anal whore is to be completely used as a fuck hole. She gags a lot during some rather rough oral sex. Not exactly up my ally, but Gia is just fun to watch. Kami gives her a rest while she squat fucks the guy, juicing up his fat prick and getting it ready for Gia’s hole. Since most of the dirty talk in this scene comes from Kami it is much hotter than it would have been if the guy were doing it. Gia loves the big dick in her pussy and has a great looking ass on display in the cowgirl. Kami does reverse cowgirl with ease. Poor Gia is almost crying because her pussy isn’t used to this much fucking. (OK, it takes a twisted sense of humor to laugh at this, but come on.) Not to be left out, Kami’s ass gets into the action as well. He slams the shit out of her in doggy, but she is ready for more. We’re watching two of the best anal performers in the business in the same scene and their heat is impossible to miss. (Though only Kami’s ass gets fucked in this scene.) The A2M becomes a bit of a side-show event after a while and the initial pop isn’t particularly well captured. Once he’s done though the girls do a lot of swapping and send everyone home happy.

Wow, this is a pretty funny movie. Not to do too much comparing, but Ivan has given us a flick that will make fans of Jim Powers smile. It isn’t a full-on tribute to the Tobe Hooper classic that gave this movie its name, but the final scene is enough to make us all laugh. There are some great dialog moments as well and I need reiterate the fact that Kami Andrews shouldn’t be overlooked come award time. She is very funny and has a role with more dialog than most features allow. Kami also puts her ass on the line in a couple of hard-core scenes. Gia doesn’t give up the A, but still looks hot in her scene. Isabel and Kelly fill in the gaps nicely as they have their own gaps fucked raw. I think that I’ll take Kat over the rest of them though. She is super cute and still fucks like a complete slut. I always enjoy a few laughs along with great sex and this movie delivers both. It’s a nicely made feature with hard, sometimes bizarre sex. If that turns you on great. If not, then go pick up that Teagan All American Girl flick.


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