CARIBBEAN UNDERCOVER

107 Mins.
DIRECTOR: Nicholas Steele
Adam & Eve
THEMES: Outdoor Sex, Couples Movie
2000 (8/99)
STARS: Tara Patrick. Caroline Cage, Cheila, Jessica Drake, Schelly Elson, Judy, Vanda, Evan Stone, Brick Majors, Mark Davis, Anthony Crane and Mickey G.

REVIEW:
Combining the big budget couples-friendly style of Adam & Eve with everyone�s favorite fuck machine Tera Patrick could cause some confusion. On the one hand, this looks like a feature flick with lavish locations, beautiful people everywhere and all that happy stuff. On the other hand, Tera is joined by Jessica Drake and this pair of totally hot prick pleasers know how to keep the raincoaters happy. Will one style win out over the other, or will we have that rarest of occasions where everyone gets what they want?
Our story revolves around a ring of microchip smugglers and the CIA Agents assigned to stop them. Brick Majors is the chief operative being sent in to stop the smugglers. Tera is the weapons designer. (Tera as a scientist? If Denise Richards can play a Nuclear Physicist in a Bond flick, I guess this could work.) She introduces him to his new devices, reminding me an awful lot of Traci Lords as she delivers her lines. Of course, Brick has the unique ability to make her acting looking Streep-esque. How bad does someone have to be to make me notice how poor their dialog is?
After dropping Brick off, fellow agent Evan Stone pulls off the side of the road and has a little afternoon action with the hot honey in his jeep. Oh no, boring couple sex, quick run and hide. Actually, it�s all slow motion, which kills the heat. I can talk about how well shot this is and how totally cool the outdoor sex in the jungle is, but bottom line, no one jerks off in slow motion! He bends her over for a painfully slow fuck. Even the anal sex is all slowed down. Yes, it�s shot well, yes the girl is hot, yes, we get close up anal, but all the good is doused by the slo-mo sex.
Evan is part of the smuggling ring, working with Mark Davis. (Kind of kills the intrigue to know who the bad guys are this early doesn�t it?) After a transaction, they hit the high seas with Brick and some super hot babes. I love the high production values, big boat, open seas and the women, but I just know that all the gorgeous surroundings are going to be wasted. While Brick enjoys a day in the sun, his boss, Mickey G is making the moves on Tera. The action is taking on the boat however. Mark Davis has a couple of chicks working on him. I would sure love to see these two working on his cock at full speed. There is nothing new for me to say here. The surroundings are gorgeous, the sex is well filmed, but lacks any real heat thanks to the way it�s presented.
Mickey is doing really well with Tera. Oh man, I�m going to be really pissed off here in a minute. You have the incredible Ms. Patrick, looking stunning as the prim inventor, and the only way it�s going to look good is at double speed. I really hope that all the couples watching this are boning each other silly because there is no way in hell the average raincoater (Even those of us who still appreciate a well made feature) are going to be able to stand much more of this. Tera always looks good with a dick in her mouth and she gives very nice eye contact here. Her beauty alone makes this worth looking at in spite the already beaten to death problems I have with this flick. Her body is nice to look at from any angle, so the standing sex works, the reverse cowgirl works and it�s no wonder Mickey manages a pretty good load on those luscious tits. Tera�s hot and I�ll give the scene good marks for looking great, but it�s still a case of what could have been.
In fact, the rest of the movie is more of the same. With not much of a plot left to hang onto, there really is no reason for me to give you a play by play. Brick has a nice looking scene in the surf with a pretty good looking chick. The finally with Tera includes anal, but it�s totally fucking worthless since it looks like someone was trying to make it arty. Dude, it�s a hot babe taking it in the ass, who the fuck needs art? What I can�t believe is that the 90 minute making of featurette has as much sexual heat as the movie does. What the fuck is that about?
I admire a well made, location movie. My love for Pierre Woodman�s Private stuff is evidence of that. I also like a well written feature porn. Additionally, good looking women and outdoor sex totally do it for me. So why do I hate this flick so much? Easy, I hate slow motion sex. Fucking hate it. I don�t get the appeal, even for a couples audience. When you take all of the elements I like, add a woman like Tera Patrick who looks so good it hurts, then douse the whole thing with pretentious bullshit, it just makes me want to kick in my TV screen. Tera looks great in her scenes, no doubt about that, but beyond her, I can�t say I could find a single strokeable moment. �Caribbean Undercover� is a well made, couples friendly movie, packed with good looking people, lovely locations and a cursory plot. However, it has all the sex appeal of a day old jelly donut and may be the single biggest waste of talent I have seen all year.

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