Porno Things

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Roger T. Pipe

It started as a cure for writers block. I was working on some other projects and would come home every night and write in a journal as a warm up. One day, I was reading alt.sex.movies and found some reviews of porn flicks. I've always loved movies and porn, so I decided to review some tapes form my personal porn collection. I wrote a review, found that I liked it and posted it to asm. The feedback was positive and I just kept writing. I found it a great way to get me started each day, writing about something I enjoyed and pretty soon, people were asking me to review their films and work on a web site. The rest, as they say, is history.

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Reviews >> Movie Reviews >> Porno Things

Porno Things


www.BlacksOnBlondes.com

MOVIE TYPE: Parody
108 Mins
DIRECTOR: Adam Christopher
CONDOMS: None
THEMES: Parody, Solo, Big Toys, Short Hair, BBW
2017
STARS: Riley Nixon, Tommy Pistol, Betty Blaze, Sonia Harcourt, Donnie Rock, Joe Filippone, Maci May, Adam Christopher

REVIEW-

If you needed proof that just about anything can be turned into a XXX parody, this might be in. The wildly popular Netflix series Stranger Things is an ultra-cool blend of 80’s nostalgia, creepy synthesizers and an intense love for all things Stephen King. While these things might make for an easy parody, Stranger Things is also a show centered around kids and that is always a tough line to walk. Adam Christopher dives right into this without blinking though. He starts with the most obvious bit of casting since Kaitlyn Ashley played a young Tonya Harding way back in the day. He has Riley Nixon play the lead, bringing her buzzed hair and perfect body to the character of “Eighteen” who seems to be a very horny pornstar when she isn’t busy fighting killer clowns and moving shit with her mind. While her look makes her perfect for the quirky aspects of the film, it is her good looks, smoking body and sexual energy that make the sex scenes work. I really like the way the first scene is introduced with the old grainy TV style. It adds a layer to an otherwise basic scene. Of course a basic scene with Riley Nixon is still pretty fucking hot. The finale features more of the same with plenty of heat and a popshot on Riley’s head. There is also a solo scene that will make Stranger Things fans laugh. Riley gets busy with some breakfast food in a way that shows that our little clairvoyant is all grown up and loving her Eggo’s in very adult ways. The other two scenes may lack the star power Riley provides, but they both fit the feeling of the movie. Sonia Harcourt does a solo scene with an out of this world sex toy. Interesting to be sure. Betty Blaze and Tommy Pistol hook up in a scene that will resonate with Stranger Things fans. Betty Blaze plays Wynonna Ryder in a way that is both spot on and cruel at the same time. It is also pretty damn funny. This is a pretty creative little movie that may not have the budget of some of the big parodies, but has enough artistic vision, humor and Riley Nixon to make it worth a long hard look.

Riley Nixon & Adam Christopher

Riley Nixon is “Eighteen” who is not only the center of the little group of outcasts, but also a pornstar. Two of the guys watch her on an old TV set. The footage is intentionally iffy, giving it a look that we old timers recognize from VHS days. Riley attacks the cock with so much force that her tits shake with every bob of her head. Riding his cock and then bent over rubbing her clit, Riley shows the kind of sexual energy we have come to expect from her. Even with the old style picture quality, it is wonderful watching this natural girl bounce on a dick. They finish up with a shot all over her sexy ass.

Riley Nixon

The guys who were just watching “Eighteen” on video now have her in their home. Their friend Will is also missing so they leave the silent young woman who may or may not be a horny pornstar, home alone with some waffles. Bet you can guess where this is going. Riley rolls around on the bed, masturbating with and eating waffles. It’s an homage to the source material, it’s weird as fucks and it’s still hot because yes Virginia Riley Nixon is sexy as fuck even when she is pleasuring herself with tasty breakfast carbs. The finger play here is quite hot and everyone once in a while she looks at the camera like she’s just as amused as we are.

Betty Blaze & Tommy Pistol

Finding a way to communicate with her son will, town slut Joyce (Betty Blaze) gets the clear message that she is supposed to fuck the hilarious inept sheriff (Tommy Pistol). Betty is rather hilarious here as she screams and begs and finally gags on his cock. They get creative (and weird) with a strand of lights as Betty stays in character (batshit crazy) throughout the fun. They move to the bedroom where Tommy fucks her hairy pussy hard for a while before letting her suck him clean. Betty shows some serious throat skills on a huge dildo she has in bed. Climbing on top she works her hips down hard, getting what she needs from Tommy. They go crazy on each other with Betty licking his ass and again swallowing that massive toy with ease. He finishes with a shot all over her face. They are no closer to finding Will but hey, they both got laid.

Sonia Harcourt

Keeping things strange, Sonia gets visited by her cute little alien pet. It comes in the form of an unusual toy that she immediately uses to get herself off. She rubs it around her pussy first and then sucks it. It’s a strange shape so she only manages the first few inches before it gets way too thick. Round two allows her to go a little deeper into her pussy. Moving it to the headboard she backs up on it, getting louder and showing some nice ass jiggle as she stuffs herself. This is a strange solo scene that fits the movie nicely.

Riley Nixon, Donnie Rock, Joe Filippone

The guys find Eighteen who saves them from Pennywise (Yeah, no one ever accused Tarantino of thinking inside the box) and she goes into a wordless sex scene. She gets her mouth on a cock and starts sucking it to full mast. Watching Riley suck cock is always great and she is working really hard here. When his cock is ready she climbs on top and starts to ride. He grabs her by the throat and chokes her while she pumps her hips up and down. Riley fucks with her retro tube socks and Converse sneakers. (Hey, remember when alt-porn was a thing?) He flips her over and takes her from behind. It’s hard to beat Riley in doggy because of those great legs and natural boobs shaking as she pushes back to meet his strokes. They finish up with a cumshot on her forehead and all is right with the world.

BONUS: 2 Bonus Scenes (Brittney Shae, Keisha Grey) Popshots, BTS, Photo Gallery, Trailers


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