Asphyxia Heels The World
MOVIE TYPE: Comedy
176 Mins.
Company: Burning Angel
DIRECTOR: Joanna Angel
THEMES: Foot Fetish, Shoe Fetish, Punks, Tattoos, Anal
CONDOMS: No
Year of Production: 2012
STARS: Asphyxia, Krissie Dee, Arabelle Raphael, Dee, Twix Danny Wilde, Tommy Pistol, Brian Street Team, Mr. Pete
Reviewed by: Miller Huggins
Whenever I get a Burning Angel movie on my desk, all kinds of parts of me perk up, but it’s a tribute to Joanna Angel, the movies she makes, and, I hope, my own sophistication that all of those parts experience equal perkage; there’s the usual collection of erectile tissues signing in, of course, but brain, funnybone and writing hand also get to throw their metaphorical hands up and shout. As a reviewer, I yearn for something that doesn’t beg to be fast-forwarded through, and Burning Angel always delivers.
The latest effort, or the latest one I have access to, is a tale of foot obsession and the clash between small-town inertia and big-city sophistication. The good people of Podunk Sticks have no access to any footwear except sandals, since the local shoe trade is monopolized by Danny Wylde, a man who feels so strongly about the beauty of toes that he won’t countenance the crime of covering them up by cramming them into anything so cruel and restrictive as high heels. Into this conservative backwater struts Asphyxia, fresh from what I can only assume is Metropolis, a sophisticate with an abiding passion for fancy shoes. When she takes a job at Danny’s flip-flop emporium, sparks fly immediately.
Joanna Angel’s movies are so casually funny “High heels aren’t allowed? Says who?” “Says I!”) that I usually laugh to the point that milk comes out of my nose, even when I haven’t been drinking milk. Even Danny Wylde, who had every opportunity to sober up and keep a straight face, seems like he’s on the edge of losing it in most of his scenes. I want to ruin every joke by describing it to you, but I know that I would end up just saying “Oh my God, you just have to see it for yourself!” after mangling most of them by laughing through my description, so for heaven’s sake, just watch it yourself.
The action starts when Danny Wylde and his shop assistant/girlfriend Krissie Dee get to grips after he’s gotten his blood up by losing “a game of good old-fashioned inventory chicken” to the new girl; his affirmation of his rationale for banning closed shoes inflames Krissie’s passions as well, and with a sultry “Ah want yer feet all up in mah face!”, Danny goes to town. Krissie Dee is a compact little Asian cutie who is enthusiastic and eager all the way through, from having her toes sucked on to having her ass fucked to having her tits slapped to taking a load on her feet. if she doesn’t particularly like any of that stuff, you can’t tell from watching.
Asphyxia spends a valuable few minutes drooling over her collection of shoes, inspired, she climbs into bed with a leopard-print heel and masturbates – not with the shoe, unfortunately for you fetishists out there, just next to it – until she reaches both an orgasm and an epiphany, the orgasm being noisy and the epiphany being “Fuck these hicks!” When her ideas for spicing up the shop’s inventory for Black Friday are rebuffed, Assphyxia mounts a guerilla campaign on the town’s stodginess by taking customers in the back and letting them shop in her secret stash of what Danny calls whore shoes.
Arabelle Raphael, an appealingly horsey-faced brunette with an almost lush body and gorgeous heavy tits, is the first townie to crack, taking a pair of bright red heels as a sign that she and her hick husband, Mr. Pete, might be able to find more excitement of a Friday night than sitting around watching Everybody Loves Raymond like everybody else. They experiment with that right there in the back of the shoe store. Mr. Pete is Mr. Pete, professional and solid as always, although he keeps up a steady stream of unhicklike dirty talk at odds with his goofy hat (which I’m pretty sure is the one Danny was wearing in the previous scene, except with a black bandanna on it). Arabelle is bouncy and all in, and her facial expressions and dirty talk make for a great scene. After quite a bit of fucking, including some pretty vigorous anal, which she makes seem like it’s not run-of-the-mill for her, she watches Pete shoot his load in her shoes, which she then cleans up with her tongue.
When Dee comes in to buy a pair of heels to help out with her date – the math teacher she is seeing is too tall! – Asphyxia fixes her up with a pair of black spiky items that completely satisfy her urge to be a little taller. Asphyxia goes on to satisfy some of her other urges, showing off her favorites hoes and then leaving behind the feet entirely to concentrate on the rest of Dee. Dee’s ethnicity is hard to pin down; let it be enough that she is ethnic. cute and apparently very short, with an almost-Mohawk and pierced nipples. The two of them love each other up in the stockroom, doing the things we all know ladies do together in stockrooms. They are both very clearly well-versed in those things.
If I weren’t committed to marrying Joanna Angel, I would be committed to marrying Tommy Pistol He’s the Harpo Marx of porn, a winking, mugging clown who never fails to deliver laughs as well as cock. Standing around a trash barrel with his fellow hicks and burning the devil’s shoes, he hams it up as always; during Asphyxia’s big impassioned speech about there being shoes for all occasions, he tears up and then releases his pent-up emotion by proposing a sing-along – this is one of the best examples of something you just have to watch for yourself – and then follows that up by having outdoor sex with Twix, another slender ethnic cutie (whatever its foibles shoe-wise, this town doesn’t appear to have any racism issues), on a rooftop. Tommy unfortunately also drops his hick persona for most of the sex, although I guess most people aren’t watching this to see Tommy be funny. The comedy picks up at the end again, though, after a copious facial.
Moved to transigence by Asphyxia’s dogged tanacity, Danny agrees to let her have a Black Friday sale, and when Brian Street Team, listed in the credits as “heel freak!!!” comes in to buy a pair of heels for his cock, Asphyxia is obliged by her adherence to the Shoe-Seller’s Code to go on ahead and measure him to see what size he needs. That means, of course, making sure he’s fully extended and trying a number of shoes on his cock, which of course devolves into the Asphyxia boy/girl scene we’ve been waiting for. It’s worth it. Asphyxia, like Twix, does not go for the anal, but unless you’re an ass-fetishist, that shouldn’t spoil the fun for you. They finish up with a pop on a pair of black shoes – it occurs to me just now that I could make this a much better review for real shoe fetishists if I could identify the shoes, but I don’t really know much about that kind of thing.
“I shall never let my love of toes come before my love of money again!” is where we are left, when Danny discovers that people will spray cash around like a money firehose for good shoes, and our lesson in modernization is complete. By the way, if you didn’t get that this is a parody of Footloose from the awesome song playing over the title menu, you should give this movie back to whoever loaned it to you and tell him or her that from now on you will try to be a smarter friend, and they should be patient with you.
I could go on and on – more than I already have – but the condensed version of my opinion is that you should go out and buy two or three copies of this movie and then send Joanna Angel twenty extra dollars in an envelope.
OVERALL RATING: 10
FEMALE LOOKS: If you like tattooed punk girls, 9
MALE LOOKS: If you like goofy, lanky alternative guys, 9
PICTURE QUALITY: 9
EXTRAS: Behind the Scenes, Trailers, Gallery
PLOT/ACTING: 10
SEX: 10
